


the hatchetfield branch

by bugabooie



Category: StarKid Productions RPF, The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals - Team StarKid, The Office (US)
Genre: Chaos, F/M, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-21
Updated: 2019-08-20
Packaged: 2020-05-16 02:18:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19308634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bugabooie/pseuds/bugabooie
Summary: IMDb calls it "a mockumentary on a group of typical office workers, where the workday consists of ego clashes, inappropriate behavior, and tedium."We just call it chaos.aka: "tgwdlm but it's The Office"





	1. Chapter 1

"Alright, people!" Ken Davidson stepped out of his office, his words projected for all to hear. A majority of his employees turned their heads. "This is...the documentary people." 

He gestured to two random men with a camera and clipboard, otherwise known as James and Alex. They awkwardly waved at the disappointment of a crowd.

>   
>  "The only reason I signed up for this dumbass documentary thing was that Mr. Davidson said he'd give me a raise. So, why the fuck not, right?" Ted rolled his eyes. He clearly didn't want to be there.
> 
>  
> 
> "I thought it would be fun!" Bill beamed, a smile on his face. "Think of what Alice will say when she sees me on the big screen!" 
> 
> A series of mumbled words was heard from behind the camera. As they continued, Bill's face slowly fell. "Wha- you mean this isn't going in the movie theatres?"  
> 

"Let's treat them nicely, yeah?" Ken raised his coffee mug in the air before shuffling back into his private office.

>   
>  Ken raised his donut in the air, enjoying a cup of coffee on the side. "I like my donuts like I like my workers: cold and plain."
> 
> Setting the baked good down, he looked the camera right in the eye. "Either one or both, normally. You see that Paul guy? He's kinda just plain. Ted's a good mix of the two. Steve is the prime example of cold though. That gets confusing since he looks so much like Paul though..."  
> 

"Hey, Paul." Ted threw a pencil at the guy's desk. "Paul. Hey, Paul. Pail. Paulette. Pauline. Paula. Pablo. Pausha. Hey, Pau-"

"What do you want, Ted?" Paul finally gave in, holding a hand to his forehead. He had put up with Ted's antics for this long. What was one more day?

"Can I use your stapler?"

Paul scanned his desktop for the stapler. It was completely missing. He gave a distressed sigh. "What did you do to my stapler...?"

Ted didn't answer with words, but rather looked right in the direction of Paul's drawer. So naturally, Paul slowly went to open it. What was inside made him jump to his feet.

"Mr. Davidson! Ted put my stapler in jello again!"

From nearby, Charlotte gaped. She lightly swatted the criminal's arm. "Ted! Why would you do that?"

He was about to respond when Melissa began to walk towards Paul, eyes trained on the jello prank. "Dibs on the jello once you get the stapler out!"

"What?" At that point, Paul was just confused. That wasn't unusual though.

Bill pushed himself over on his rolling chair, a phone cable forcing him to keep some distance. "Can you guys quiet down? I'm on the phone wi- Ted! Again?"

"Yes, again!" Ted angrily cried. "What else do you want me to do? Paul here keeps putting a pencil wall between our desks!" 

That was true. There were even the remains of broken pencils between the cracks to prove it. Nevertheless, Paul rolled his eyes.

"Don't put your stuff on my desk then!" 

Melissa huffed. "Ted, you're just jealous!"

"What the fuck is there to be jealous of? This is Paul we're talking about, Melissa." Ted pointed at the man for added effect. The only reaction he got from the girl was a glare. "Point proven."

>   
>  "Ok, so maybe I have a...a little thing for Paul," Melissa confessed right before checking to make sure the door was shut. "It's not like it'll go anywhere though! Yeah, it's just a little thing...it hasn't been going on for a couple of years, no, not at all."  
> 

"Can't you two just calm down?" Charlotte spoke up timidly.

Ted sighed, giving Paul hawk eyes as he slowly took his seat again. With that, the office fell back into calm. 

And then the phone rang. 

"Hello. CCR Paper, this is Charlotte speaking...oh? You're going to want to speak with a salesman for that...Yes, I can do that. What did you say your name was...?" She pulled out a pen and a sticky note. "Nora, yes?" 

Paul recognized that name. He sent a perplexed glance Melissa's way. "Isn't Nora the girl...from Beanies?"

"Oh, and how would you know, Paul?" Ted joined the conversation, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh, uh, I don't know...I go there sometimes."

>   
>  Paul looked at the camera awkwardly. "You want my reasons for going to Beanies? They just have good coffee! And, you know...Some things are worth it."  
> 

"Right, right...for the latte hotte, yeah?" Ted smirked. He could always tell when Paul was lying. That's what made these conversations so amusing. Well, for him at least.

Paul blinked. "What? No, no, they just have good coffee!"

"Yeah, sure, Paula Anne."

>   
>  "Ok fine, so maaaybe there's another reason."  
> 

Bill sat at his desk, clicking the refresh button on his web browser over and over again. The screen showed a listing for Mamma Mia! tickets. His face, however, showed nothing but anxiety.

"I'm trying to get my daughter, Alice, tickets to Mamma Mia! tonight," he explained with pure excitement. "I only need 2 tickets. Fingers crossed!"

Charlotte leaned over to see what all the computer clicking was about. She frowned at the sight. He was on the expensive ticket website. That was no way to get tickets. "You're still trying to get them for her?"

"Lottie, my life depends on this! If I can't get Alice these tickets, what kind of a father am I?" Bill spoke with impatience, eyes glued to the screen. Almost as if he were brainwashed. 

She shook her head. "Stop worrying, alright? I'll...I have your back." She offered him one final smile and then returned to her usual place. Those Mamma Mia! tickets weren't going to be bought by themselves, and she knew Bill wouldn't be able to get them on time on that site.

 

 

"What do you mean by downsizing exactly?" Ken held the phone to his ear with a shoulder. His hands were occupied with an unsolved Rubix cube.

With his focus being set on two things at once, he easily missed Ted standing in the doorway, listening to every word.

"Downsizing? I can't-" the line closed. "I guess I can, yeah, ok."

 

Ted shut the office door and turned to his fellow coworkers. They'd all been watching and listening intently after Melissa used the receptionist phone to figure out who the call was with. "He said something about downsizing."

A variety of gasps filled the room. Downsizing? No way.

"As information gatherer," Ted spoke up amongst the whispers, "I call dibs on not being fired."

"I don't think you can do that, Ted," Paul tried to reason. It didn't work.

"Oh yeah? Bill called dibs on winning a week ago and no one said anything!" Ted threw his hands in the air out of anger. His words prompted Bill to stand up from his desk in the back.

"You can call dibs on winning!"

"That was for a coffee maker! This is for our jobs!" Melissa tried to argue, on Paul's side of course.

Paul nodded. "Yeah, uh, what she said."

"Oh my God. We're filming in an office building full of 5-year-olds," Alex, from behind the camera, mumbled.

 

 

Ken ran his finger down the list of workers. There were only five of them he realized. "What- since when did we only have five employees? Is this some joke? It's like the author in the sky was too lazy to write more people in or something. I'm going insane, I swear."

He shook his head. "I just have to pick one of them. Alright. I can do that." 

There was a knock on the door. "Come in?"

In stepped Paul. He blindly reached out and closed the door behind him. "Heyyyy, Mr. Davidson."

Ken didn't know it, but he was about to be the center of a game called "Who Can Suck Up to Mr. Davidson Enough to Not Be Fired?". Let the games begin.

"I, uh, just wanted to let you know that I have a wife." Was that too strong? Was it strong enough?

"You're married? Since when?" Ken's eyebrows furrowed.

"Uh- oh, I'm getting there-"

"You're engaged?"

"I'm getting there!"

"You're dating someone?"

"...I'm getting there."

Ken took a deep breath. God, this guy could be a pain. "Is that all you wanted to say, Pail?"

Paul fiddled with his thumbs. After a long period of silence, he nodded.

"Right. Thanks, Plaul."

>   
>  "That...could've gone a lot better." Paul sunk into his chair. He might've been awkward as hell but at least he was aware of it most times.  
> 

For the rest of the day, it was attempt after attempt at convincing Ken not to let them go. The worst part? Ken didn't even know they knew. So as all of this was going on, Ken was in his office trying to figure out who to kick, not taking any of the encounters into account. Not because he didn't care. Just because he was too distracted to actually listen to the idiots.

>   
>  "Ok, I know what I need to do." Ken set a file on the desk. That was it.  
> 

"Ok, everyone!" Ken stepped out of his office. "I've been keeping it a secret all day but...Corporate suggested we do downsizing. So I'm here to tell you that I will be firing..."

Midsentence, he took a look at everyone's faces. They all appeared to be either desperate or scared. It made him feel like shit now that he'd gotten this far. Shit.

"None of you! Thank you for your time." He rushed back into his room, leaving the group to exchange glances.

 

 

Ted sauntered over to Paul's desk, where he was packing up his briefcase. "Hey, we're all going out for coffee to celebrate the downsizing news. You in?"

"Coffee...? At five pm?" Paul locked the case with a click. Seconds later, he was elbowed lightly in the arm.

"Hey, hey. I'll, ya know...I'll talk to that cute little barista for you. Put a good word in." Ted winked.

Confused, Paul nodded. Ted's kindness was questionable, and he wasn't even sure how the guy knew about the Beanies barista, but despite all this, he couldn't really say no.

>   
>  The camera zoomed in and out of focus until it landed on a barista, appearing to be in her early 30's and tired as ever. "Uh, yeah, why the fuck am I here?"  
> 


	2. health care

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the company is cutting back on health care, which means switching to a plan with fewer benefits. ken sends ted to tell the employees.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was thoroughly entertaining to write

“Melissa! Nelly Belly Mo-Melly. Any new messages for me?” Ken made his way out of his office and towards the front desk where an already slightly annoyed Melissa sat at the computer. She shook her head.

“Nothing new,” she stated plainly, returning to her game of Solitaire with the thought that their conversation was over. 

“That’s not what you said earlier.” Ken leaned against the counter of the desk, raising his eyebrows as if that would help her get the message. Surprisingly, it somewhat did.

“Oh- you want me to repeat your messages from earlier for the…” Melissa’s voice faded off as she made awkward “eye” contact with the camera. She slowly turned back to face Ken, hoping he’d get her message this time.

>   
>  “The best thing I do for my employees is care- and provide! I give them...uh,” Ken racked his brain for a suitable example. “I give them money, I give them food. Not directly, but you know...through the money. Yeah. Yeah, that’s right. I heal them.”
> 
> He set a cold donut down on his desk, freeing his hands so he could pick up a pile of books from their place on the floor. Dropping them in front of him, he grinned. “Today, I am in charge of picking a new health care plan. Does that make me their doctor?”
> 
> A beat passed. “Absolutely.”  
> 

Carole Monroe flipped through the pages of a file folder, sitting comfortably in a chair across the desk from Ken. “So, you’ve decided on a new health care plan, yes? She asked, eyes flickering up to meet his.

“Yep,” he confidently tapped his fingers on the edge of the desk, “I’ve decided to go with the best, Carole. We’re going to go with our good old friend, the Gold Plan. It’s got everything. Massages. Acupuncture...yeah.”

“The Gold Plan?” Carole raised an eyebrow at the man in front of her. “Ken, I’m not even on that plan.”

Ken shrugged. “Well, I recommend it. It’s quite good.” He slid the Gold Plan’s book her way. 

“The whole reason we’re doing this is to save money, ok?” Carole started picking up her items and prepared to leave. “Just pick a provider and then pick the cheapest plan. Can you do that?”

“Well, Carole, that’s a tough assignmen-“

“Great.” And just like that, Carole was out the door.

>   
>  Contemplating his life decisions, Ken lost himself in thought. "You...I think I know the man for the job."  
> 

Paul awkwardly shuffled into Ken's office. "You wanted to see me, Mr. Davidson?"

Ken grinned. "Yes! Paul Matthews, just the man I'm looking for. Listen, how good are you at decision making?" 

Paul shrugged, not exactly sure what the question had to do with anything relevant. "Oh, I don't know. I think maybe I'm good...or I'm not, maybe I am-"

"Ok, that's great." Ken cut him off with the click of a pen. "Listen, buddy, my schedule is just overflowing with stuff to do." He not-so-subtlety removed the empty mail bin from his desk. "I need you to pick a health care plan and then explain it to your coworkers."

A tense silence hung in the air. Between a desperate boss and a confused employee, neither really knew how to carry on the conversation. At long last, Paul clicked his tongue.

"You know who would be great for this job?"

>   
>  "Whenever Mr. Davidson asks me to do something that I don't think I can do, I just tell him to give the job to Ted." Paul nodded to confirm the statement. "And ...then chaos ensues."  
> 

"I'd love to." Ted burst into the office without a moment's notice and picked up the pile of books. "I'm going to need a private office, an updated computer, and a raise."

Ken furrowed his eyebrows at the man.

"Isn't this a promotion?"

Sighing, the boss shook his head. "You can, uh ...have the meeting room. For the day only. This is not a promotion."

Ted held back an eye roll. "Ok, and uh, oh! One more question. How many people can I fire? Can I fire Paul?"

Ken slowly shook his head again. "Nope, you cannot fire anybody."

>   
>  "What did I do? I saved this company money. Yes, that is what I did." The cameramen followed Ted around the office as he handed out a memo to each employee. "I picked the cheapest health plan out there.
> 
> "Because in the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, it's broken legs, bleeding out, getting eaten by lions." Satisfied with his work, Ted re-entered his 'office'.  
> 

Bill scanned over the document, Charlotte leaning over his shoulder to do the same herself. "There's no dental, no vision, and there's a twelve hundred dollar deductible? Has the world gone mad, Lottie?!"

Charlotte’s expression turned to one of concern. “Oh- Well, I don’t know!”

Paul brushed past them and into the conference room, where Ted had already made himself quite comfortable. He was about to speak up about the new memo when he was quickly cut off.

“Hey, don’t you knock, Matthews?” Ted looked up from his computer screen with annoyance practically scribbled on his forehead. “Knock before entering my office please.”

Paul glanced back over to the printed sign that was lazily taped onto the door. “The sign says this is a workspace?” He turned back around to look Ted in the eye.

“It’s the same thing!”

“Then why didn’t you just write ‘office’...?”

Ted stared Paul down for a few terrifying yet amusing moments. “Just knock, ok?”

“Ok, well, uh,” Paul awkwardly set the paper in his hands onto the tabletop. “Ted, this healthcare is terrible. It doesn’t even cover...whatever Melissa needs for her glasses, and the rest of the office is missing stuff, like uhm...yeah.” He fiddled with his fingers as he awaited Ted’s inevitable poor reaction.

Ted simply sighed. “What do you guys want covered? I’ll try to figure something out.”

>   
>  “All I did was give Paul a couple of pieces of paper. Then, he just has to hand them out and have everyone write down what they want covered.” Ted held up a piece of blank printer paper. “And then I’ll just see if anything fits. It shouldn’t be that hard.”  
> 

Paul made his way around the office, handing everyone a piece of paper. He was already regretting the choice of giving Ted the job. This whole paper task wasn’t changing that one bit.

“Paul?” Bill waved his paper in the air with clear confusion. “What’s this for? What am I supposed to do with it?” Charlotte and Melissa crossed the room to hear what the answer was for himself. All they received from Paul was a shrug.

“Ted just said to write down anything you need the health plan to cover. Like...diseases, disabilities, things like that.” He reclaimed the seat at his desk.

Bill handed out pens to his fellow coworkers. “Well, what’re you guys writing down?” He peered over to read Melissa’s paper. She tilted it to the side a bit so he could read the full thing. “Melissa...I don’t know what boanthropy is but are you alright? What’s that like?”

Melissa laughed. “Boanthropy, you know. When a person identifies as a cow!”

Bill stared at her with wide eyes. “Melissa, I don’t know how to tell you this, but you’re not a cow!”

Charlotte spoke up from the desk she had been borrowing. “Is that even a real thing…?”

Finally connecting the dots, Paul gaped. “You’re putting down fake diseases? That’s...that’s genius.” He quickly set to work on writing even more on his paper. “How does kryonoma sound?”

Melissa breathed out a laugh. “First of all, boanthropy is a real thing. Second of all, what does kryonoma do…?”

Charlotte gasped, an idea coming to her head. “It could be when tears can’t stop spilling from your eyes!”

“This girl is a genius. Write that down, Paul.” Melissa grinned.

>   
>  “I didn’t want to hurt Ted’s feelings, but… It was a lot of fun making up the fake diseases,” Charlotte admitted, looking both ways to make sure Ted hadn’t heard her. She let out a sigh of relief.  
> 

Ted stormed out of the conference room with a pile of papers. “Ok, what the fuck is Cotard’s Delusion?” he fumed, raising a single sheet in the air for all to see.

Melissa spun around in her chair with a pen balancing between her two fingers. “Real thing,” she spoke coldly, “it’s a rare condition in which one may think they’re dead. It’s a serious matter and I want it covered.”

He rolled his eyes. “Ha, ha, very funny, Melissa.” Sarcasm practically dripped from his words. “Then how about...spontaneous dento-hydroplosion?”

Bill raised his hand, eager to join in on the joke. He wasn’t aware Ted was actually pissed off. “Me! I have that! It’s when your teeth turn to liquid and drip down the back of your throat!”

Ted gave Bill a look of defeat. “Really? You guys got him in on the joke?” He pinched the bridge of his nose before looking back to a random piece of paper. “How about this one, huh? Who in here has a government-created killer nano-robot infection?” 

Paul raised his hand. “If not treated, I could die, Ted. Do you want that on your conscience?”

Ted had to walk himself through breathing exercises just to hold back from blowing up. “Ok, I’m going to read through this list. If you really have it and want it covered, raise your hand.”

At that second, Ken burst through his office door. “I heard what’s going on and I want in.”

>   
>  “If I have to read one more fake disease, I will scream,” Ted spoke in a tone only described as an overly-forced calm.  
> 

“Count Choculitis?”

Charlotte slowly raised her hand. “Is...Is that a real thing? If so, I want it covered.”

>   
>  “Yeah, no, today was a good day. We didn’t pick out a health plan or get that much work done… but still. Good day.” Paul nodded. Yeah. A good day it was.  
> 


End file.
